2 - Yiff

OK, here...here's something that annoys me. There are these certain people
you run into in the fur fandom, and...I'm not going to blow up the whole
f...world over this one, mind you, but all the same, if these people get E.
Coli and shit themselves to death, then I'm gonna really laugh. You see, we
got the fur fandom here and...what do you think of when you think of the
fandom? Well, let's see, we got fur, we got fur conventions, mucks and
yiffing...Yes, deny it all you want, but we DO get online and type-fuck
back and forth, and.. it might be a sad thing, I dunno, but at least we're
not out harpooning dolphins or gangraping social workers, you know, so...yay
for yiffing! And hey, people might think it's weird to roleplay sex online,
but shit, they voted for Bush, right, so what the fuck do they know?! These
are the same people who spend 20 million dollars supporting the AIDS
foundation and 150 million dollars watching the fucking Scooby-Doo movie, so
they can kiss my ass and go to hell!

So I was yiffing someone online recently - and that means I was pretend-
fucking, for those of you who don't know - ...And there are usually better
things to do with my time, sure, but after spending another day on this
planet with a few billion assholes who can't tell the difference between
gourmet coffee and Foldger's fucking crystals, pretending to rape a 6 foot
tall fox with an 8 foot long dick is actually rather liberating, you know?
Gurgling shrieks of ultimate suffering always brighten my day, even if
they're just pretend.

So I'm yiffing this fox, and I'm...I'm trying to make this...this is supposed
to be fun, right? That's the whole point! I'm not here for charity! This is
not a March Of Dimes Fuck-A-Thon or something! There are no sponsors giving a
dollar to some poor disease-wretched fur for every fox I've ripped apart with
my penis! I'm here for entertainment value, you know? So I'm trying to help
make this fun for everybody, and I'm...I'm putting a little effort into this,
you know? There's no reason yiffing can't be nicely written, right? Nothing
wrong with putting a little art into your pretend-fucking.

So I type a good 4 or 5 lines here, describing just exactly how I'm ramming
my vast, throbbing love-probe against his lungs, you know? I'm at least
attempting to be descriptive here, and now it's the fox's turn and he goes
"oh yeah, baby, don't stop". And...and...and...that was it?! Got a gryphon
love god screwing him to oblivion here, and that's all I get? So, I thought,
well, you know, shit, maybe he's hard to impress or something, you know?
Maybe he's overdosed on his Prozac. For all I know, this guy could be getting
fucked by King Kong every Tuesday night and I'm just an one-inch wonderturkey
here!

So, I try it again, and...and I write this paragraph and...I'm killing pixies
with this shit, it's so nasty! I'm ripping a hole in the ozone, angels
falling out of the clouds, DEAD! This stuff was so detailed it could've made
the entire cast of Cirque De Soleil clench their asses shut! And the fox
goes, "ooh, yeah, fuck me hard". So I was like, "FUCK, man, what, do you have
like two fingers or something? What, are you trying to type with your left
testicle here? I mean, I'm not asking for Charles Dickens, you know, but
could we at least move past Debbie Does Dallas? I'm trying to do some decent
fucking here!" And he says, "well, I'm doing the best I can". Yeah, well, if
that's the best you can do, then you shouldn't be allowed to fuck. I'm sorry,
but you should be gassed before anyone else stuffs their dick into you if
that's the best you can do. I'm not here to write a porn novel for you, OK?
I need some feedback, you lazy shit!

It never fails! Every time I'm in the mood to play around, I wind up getting
a hold of some fur who's about as passionate as a bridge game with Jeff
Goldblum, and it's annoying the shit outta me! Is it just too much to bother
being a little expressive here? Where's the romance? I might as well be
screwing a bucket of dead accountants over here! I mean, how would you like
fucking a dead guy with a pullstring on his chest? You know, you fuck'em for
a little bit and then you pull the string: "oh do me baby, oh fuck me
harder". But then again, I guess it's probably hard to have pretend sex when
you've never had any REAL sex! If you screw the same way in real life as you
do online, then your dick probably got bored and fell off! Well, you know
what?

Get off the muck, OK? Just turn it off and go fuck a real person for once.
It'll do you some good and it'll do me some good, too, because I won't cum
away from a TS with you feeling like I just tried to fuck a stack of
catatonic sushi. Either learn to pretend-fuck properly or for God's sakes,
stop doing it! Hey, it's a stupid trivial thing anyway, right? You won't miss
it at all! If you simply can't put a little effort into your yiffing, just
make a little badge that says "I fuck like Michael Landon" and start a furry
canasta group or something. But stop wasting everyone's yiffing time, because
I..yiffing is the most important thing on the planet or something...? I don't
know why, I just felt like bitching about it, goddamnit! So everyone pretend
I had a good moral lesson here in the end, and we'll call it even!

This is 2, the pixie-killing Ranting Gryphon, and that's all of that.