2 - Technology Okay, I was talking to this guy and...you know, when you have no life, that's... just what you do, you know, between jerking off and Ally McBeal. Everyone out there who has a life, that's what you're missing. So anyways, this guy is like "brahahem, you, I-I-I, you know, I find it appalling how out of control technology is becoming, and it's beginning to take over with all these meaningless gadgets, and, and when will man learn to be satisfied with what we have, brahabrabha". And, you know, it's... it's one of these people with, like, Gilliganetian beliefs, you know, we should all be out building straw huts and tilling the soil with our teeth, and making clothes out of, like, coconut shells with dried spooge or some shit like that, because... Because, why, why? It... it, what, it's... it's more wholesome that way, is that it? It's just the way... "You need to get away from the computers and go outside and do something real." What the hell... what is that? I've heard that WAY too many times, you know, it's like... what the hell is that supposed to mean, anyway? It's... "You need to be outside". When did it become so fucking George Washington just to be outside? It's like stepping out your door will cleanse your diseases, and give you an enema, and turn you into a fucking saint, you know? We're gonna walk outside, and suddenly we're Julie Andrews, spinning around on top of some fucking mountain somewhere! What's this mysterious, magical property about being outside that's going to make us all better fucking citizens? What, will we just not know right from wrong until we've planted a crop of muesli in a 150 degree heat, what, is that it? Are there anti-evil chemicals in that polluted shit we call air, you know? I mean, like, is it gonna make all us perverts turn into fatass straight republicans, make us wanna run for city council or something? Get married and have kids and kill our wives for the fucking insurance money? You wanna know what's outside? I'll tell you what's outside. Skin cancer! That's outside! You wanna know what's outside? Fucking gang violence, crooked cops, alcoholics with high-performance vehicles! That's fucking outside, okay? And what's this "real" shit we're supposed to be doing, huh? I...you know, what's "real" to you? Well, like a job at fucking McDonalds, is that what's supposed to make me a better person? Working for minimum wage for some cattle-murdering clown with special sauce, is...is that your idea of "real" life? Giving thousands of dollars to the corporate machine so I can sit there in a room and learn? Gotta be fucking rich to learn, right? Get into debt so this capitalistic society can own my very fucking existance, get married and drone in and out every day until I die from some horrifying STD my wife gets from pimping out her body to feed her children? Is that what's real to you? OK, well, check this out: Fuck you, ok? FUCK. YOU. 'Coz I'm not gonna do it. You know what the problem is? We're not as stupid as you were, that's what it is. All our lives we've had these old, sharpe-looking, vinegar- stink old people tell us we have to do a bunch of hard work and shit we don't wanna do, and there'll be a reward at the end. Yeah, well, from the look it, we're just gonna turn old and stupid! And we're starting to realize that! So you know what? Fuck you, we're playing Counterstrike! Your philosophy of life was "reaping what you sow", right? Well, we've got a new one! "FRAG IT! FRAG IT ALL!" If we're going to wind up stinky old people, then we might as well blow up a bunch of shit on the way! Yeah, yeah, I know that bugs the hell out of you, but you're just gonna to have to eat it, because that's the way it fucking is. You think technology is out of control? You wanna know when we're "going to be satisfied with what we have"? Tell you what Hägar, here's a stone chisel and here's a bear skin, now move your ass up in the mountains and STAY there, okay? We're not holding back evolution just for your technophobic ass! What if they got satisfied, like, 50 million years ago? "well, let's see, we've got the wheel, we've got fire, I'll go over there and blast a pretty mean fart...uhh, I think that's all we need." Yeah, who needs fucking penicillin, you know? What's up with all this "electricity" shit? Hey, don't think you're the only one, there's...there had to be a guy back in ancient Greece going "what is it with all this new-fangled "iron" stuff? We don't even need to kill each other with our bare hands anymore, yah yahyahyah!" Fortunately for us, they didn't listen to his stupid ass. In fact, I hope they killed 'em! Yeah yeah, you're scared shitless of all this, I know, you don't wanna think the world is going to go on without you, but you know what? It WILL! There WILL be a 100 years from now, a 1000 years from now, and you know what else? They're NOT gonna be there saying "Thank God for anti- technology people at the turn of the milennium! Without them, we might've figured out the secrets to the fucking universe!" And you know why? Because they're all gonna be brains in jars with wires connected to each other, and it's gonna be BEAUTIFUL! They're going to be able to sit on their asses and have everything they want, and it WON'T be from working at McDonald's all their lives! They're going to live in a virtual paradise, floating oblivious in their jars, and you know who's gonna be dusting those jars? People like YOU! And you'll probably get minimum wage for it, too! And the dudes in the jars will be laughing at you, and I will too! It just pisses you off every time a new gadget comes out, doesn't it? I mean, you're just...you're...you just:"aah, damn gadgets every... everywhere, all the time, this new-damn-fangled, dahblahblahblah". Well, you know what? Get used to it, because that's evolution, pal! But how...how...how can cable modems and beepers that check your e-mail and tell you sports scores...how...how is that evolution? I'll tell ya how! Because one of these days, I'm gonna walk into a store and find a beeper that will check my e-mail, tell me sports scores AND give me a blowjob, too! And I'm gonna buy one! I want digital beeper suck! Who needs to deal with a relationship when you have a beeper that'll say "ME SUCKY SUCKY!"? But that's...it's not gonna stop there, either! Pretty soon I'll be able to plug it right into my BRAIN! While you're trying to figure out what time is it on your fucking sun dial, I'm gonna know what your aunt in Chicago just blew out of her ass! Probably before she does! And it's all going to be plugged right into my head! I won't even have to do these rants anymore, I'll just get pissed off and people fall over! Ohho, that's going to be the shit! When they start putting computer chips into peoples' heads... and I... I know you're all... everybody's scared shitless "ooh, chips in your head? what if you get a virus?! the government... ooh, the government can control your mind, ooooh!" Well, you know, I'll... Tell you what. While you're spending the next decade figuring out that things like this CAN'T happen, I'll be in fucking line, alright? Hook me up! Put chips in my head, put them... put them anywhere, put them all over my ass! The sooner you can plug my consciousness into a virtual reality, the sooner I'm gonna be one happy muthafucka! So jack me in, damnit! Let me have it! I want wires coming out of my ass! I want furry netsex plugged right into my frontal lobe, okay?! Surf the fucking lobe! I'm gonna be the spazzing, drooling idiot curled up on the floor with wires hooked into my head, and it's gonna ROCK, ok?! So screw you and you being satisfied, okay? Being satisfied is for people who don't have the balls to move forward. My point in all this is that there's no fucking difference, OK? No, an experience is an experience, no matter where you get it from. You think an experience...for an experience to be a good one, it has to come from pain and suffering? Well, bullshit, I don't buy it. We're ALL gonna be wormfood, so we damn well better have fun on the way there, and anyone who tells you that's wrong DESERVES to have that fucking job at McDonald's. This is 2, your technophile Ranting Gryphon, and that's all I have to say about that.