2 - Safe Sex

OK, check this out, I thought I'd ran out of steam for ranting, right? I'd
spend all day making rants, and I thought I was finally ready to fall
backwards panting and reaching for a cigarette, but someone posts something
VERY interesting to one of the furry lists. He comes out and he says "Hey,
you know, there are some underagers in the fandom, so maybe it'd be a neat
idea to start drawing furs practicing safe sex as a good example."
NNNOOOOO!! As long as people make statements like this, you guys are gonna
have rants! The next 3 weeks of rants just because of the statement right
there, I'm not kidding!

First, I want to completely absolve the poster of any ridicule, OK? It WAS
an interesting thought, and he WAS using his head and hell, I'm not going
to dare complain about that! If more people used their head for something
more than a buttplug, then there'd be a lot fewer car accidents, and they
would've never come up with Cap Rock! But let's think about this for JUST a
moment. We're FANTASY characters! Hey, it's the bitch, I know, but it's
true! We're fantasy characters, living in a fantasy world, and our gods are
the players.

Now, the players' world is rough place, okay? It sucks, it's a piece of
shit. They have Yoko Ono albums over there, what does that tell you? So
then they're going to come over here to watch us do things to help them get
away from their world. And what better way to escape the horrors of their
world than to give us sexually transmitted diseases?! What, it wouldn't
just be relaxing enough if we didn't have to dodge AIDS and gonorrhea,
right? Hey, maybe it's becoming a popular deck game on cruise ships this
year! Where's the thrill of fantasy if there's no chance that your sex
organs could swell up and turn purple and fall off, right? Then you get to
put it under your pillow and the Cockfairy will come by and leave a
quarter!

Hey, why not add bad breath and male pattern baldness, too? And what about
Down syndrome, huh? Why not stick a few foxes drooling and wandering around
with Down syndrome so we can teach the kids how to deal with retards?!
They're going to have to stop by at McDonald's at some point in their lives,
aren't they? First of all, SCREW the children, okay? We're fantasy
fur characters, it's not our job to teach our players' children the values
of safe sex! Our world is their escape! If they want their kids to practice
safe sex, they'll smack them and say "wear a rubber, stupid!" They're not
going to screw up a perfectly good fantasy world just for that!

Besides, can you picture us having to put on condoms? You're a dragon
getting all close and cozy with your love, you're about to mount, you have
an erection the size of George Bush's luck, and you have to stop and say
"oh, excuse me while I wiggle into this thing...uh, do you have a pair of
pliers around here?" NO! That's not right! This is the thing that should
not happen! The Metallica song called "The Thing That Should Not Be"? This
is that thing!

Besides, just where are we supposed to carry these things? In our wallets?
I don't think so! I mean, for some furs, it wouldn't be a problem, but for
a good number of us, myself included, there's just no convenient ways to
carry 50 lbs of latex! Can you keep the covering for your boat in a wallet?
No, you can't! What are we supposed to do with these things? We can slap
them on the back of our VWs where the spare tire is supposed to go, maybe!
It might be kinda fun watching the thing blow up like a balloon at highway
speeds, but other than that, it'd be pretty tasteless, don't you think?

And what about macrofurs, you know? Where's Ashter gonna keep his rubber?
When he's not using it, maybe he can set it up with pimpholes and charge
rent! Might be a little sticky, but hey, why not add homeless fur bums,
too? Then we could set up our condoms as homeless shelters, and no-one
would complain! So, anyway, I pull us back and I say, "Furs having VD would
suck"...and, well, you know, basically, that's what I said. And he says,
"Well, maybe some furs are turned on by having a condom put on. Maybe they
like to feel they're having sex the proper way."

OK, good point! There's also some furs who get turned on by having their
nosehairs burned out with battery acid, too! Some furs get turned on by
having their parts chopped off and fed to'em, you know? And that's OK! As
long as everyone is having fun, that's great! But personally -and maybe I'm
just twisted here-, but I like my sex to feel GOOD! I know it's an odd
concept, but doing something that's going to numb my sexual organs just
before I climb on top and go to work does NOT make me horny! OK, the next
time you go out to dinner at a 4-star restaurant, cover your tongue with
cellophane just before you eat. Do you like that? How about this, go to a
theater to see a movie with duct tape over your eyes! It defeats the whole
fucking purpose!

As for the proper way to have sex, well, I'm a gryphon! The proper way for
me to have sex is find a female, mount, score and wait for the griflets!
That's what sex was meant for, OK? Maybe we're not all having children, but
you can pretty much be sure that if Nature had intended for sex to be
boring, then it wouldn't be so much damn fun! We'd be born with a coating
of rubber over our dicks if that was the proper way!

Underhand, there's nothing wrong with latex, by the way, I find it very
yummy myself, but there's one single place that you don't put it, okay?
There's only one place you can put latex on your body that'll make sex less
enjoyable, so for goodness' sake, why put it there?!

OK, honestly...safe sex: great idea, stops the players from dying, really
spiffy thing to do. But let's let the players worry about that in their own
world. We're supposed to be having fun here, that's what we're made for!
We're supposed to be living the lives the players would LIKE to have. Let's
not mess it up with too much R.E.A.L., okay?

This is 2, your unprotected Ranting Gryphon, and that's all I have to say
about that.