2 - Religion

All right, someone's gonna have to explain the logic of this one to
me because I'm completely screwed on it. This is like a week ago, I'm
sitting here using my 2500 dollar Pentium 3 computer to emulate 8-bit
Nintendo games like a good waste for an American, and there's a knock on
the door. I go answer it and the dude at the door shoves a little book in
my face and says "Hi! Um, would you like to take some of our literature
and maybe we can come inside and talk about the Lord for a while!" Why
sure, and afterwards, can I come to your house, smear chicken blood on
the walls, build a fire in your living room to dance around and then
shoot you in the fucking head? AAAAH! What's with this? Why are these
freaks knocking at MY door?!

Okay, I'm not bashing Christianity here. I'm really not. I think people
ought be free to choose what they want to believe, but you have to admit:
you guys have got to have the highest percentage of people who should
have their heads crushed by a falling Value Jet. Is that not bad enough
I have people selling you things on the phone all day and all night,
I have to have some twink at my door trying to sell me religion? Sure,
came on in and just have a seat there while I summon Satan and watch
him eat your fucking eyeballs out. We have to stop this, okay? Religion
must die and we have to kill it. You think it's bad now? Wait till these
guys get sponsorship from one of these mega-corporations. "Hey! Here's
a pamphlet just for you from the Lord and Microsoft!" Hey, don't laugh,
because it will happen and the day that it does I'm gonna push this big
red button I have and blow up the entire world because at that point it
will be a lost fucking cause.

Heaven forbid I get to live my life in peace without someone trying
to save my soul. Forget about my soul, okay? There's nothing in there
worth saving. MY soul would french kiss your mother just to watch you
squirm. MY soul would show your children pornography so they wouldn't
have to grow up in the same oppressed world you did. Besides, hey, I may
already HAVE my own beliefs, woo! Didn't think of that, did you?! Your
beliefs aren't the only ones out there, buddy - not by far. Tell YOUR
god to take a fucking number because there were already hundreds of
them floating around there for years before yours was even thought
up. That's right, people were sacrificing saviours and worshipping
jealous messiahs for thousands before the hallucinogenic creator of
yours was even discovered. And I haven't heard from any worshippers of
Amon-Ra or Buddha lately so get in line, pal.

"But our God is the One True God!" Yeah, yours and every other society's
since life crawled out of the mud. That's the part that REALLY gets to me,
OK, that's the part that really really pisses me off. You can't come by
and say "Hi, we've got this god and we really think he's bitchin', right,
so here's a booklet so you can read about him and decide if you wanna
come to church with us". No, no, yours is the One Single Only All-Holy
Deity and if I don't believe in him then he's going to cast me into Hell
so I'd better come to your church - and oh, by the way, don't forget my
checkbook so that I can buy my way into the One True Heaven too.

Tell you what, why don't you kiss my entire ass, okay? Kiss the whole
ass. Start on one end and just smooch your way all the way to the other
end, OK? Because this is just your way of telling me that any gods I
have are fantasies, right? My gods suck, and yours rule, right? Tell you
what. Take your spiritual penis-measuring contest to somewhere else's
front door, OK? I don't need it. Get away from my house before I decide
to slap the dust off your brain. Can't we make a law that says we can
crack some of these guys over the head with a pipe wrench or something?

Okay, this is a true story. I'm not making this up. I'm on the university
campus up here and there's this Christian thing going on called the
Crosswalk, where they carry a cross around the grounds to remind people
of Jesus' suffering, right? Well, I'm sitting there and this guy goes by
with a big paper mache cross and hands it off to another guy. The thing
is about six feet tall and it has WHEELS on the bottom! What the fuck
are you thinking?! If Jesus Christ ever came back and saw you doing that,
he'd probably roll up his sleeves and beat the living hell out of you, and
you know what, I'd help him. Paper mache?! What the..? Paper mache? Try
wood, buster! It's a few hundred pounds heavier. And WHEELS? FUCKING
WHEELS?! Did God have wheels? I don't think so. Did he have someone to
hand this thing off to? I don't think so.

You're supposed to be reminding people of Jesus' suffering here and you're
not even breaking a sweat. But that's the whole Christian philosophy,
right; reliving the life of Christ, emulating Jesus Christ. Well, I'll
tell you something: you're never gonna do it because you're too much of
a pussy. Jesus walked HUNDREDS of miles in the DESERT. He met thousands
of enemies and twelve friends. He was beaten, thrown in jail and they
finally hung him up on a big chunk of wood and KILLED his ass. And
you're - you're whining about a bad hair day. Your powdered yuppie ass
would break in two if you went through one day of what Jesus has. That's
called hypocrisy, dumbass. And it pisses me off!

So, I've got a solution for all of this, are you ready? You want these
nuts to stop coming to your house? Buy a gun. No, no, it's not what
you're thinking. You don't have to shoot it, the thing doesn't even have
to work. All you have to do is take it apart and keep the pieces in a
box near the table. Then when these guys knock on your door, collect
the pieces and start cleaning them right there in front of them. Jesus
gave his life but these guys will fall over themselves trying to get
the hell out of your house if you do that. And please, whatever you do,
don't send them over to my house, 'cause my gun is actually LOADED. 

This is 2, your blasphemous Ranting Gryphon, and that's all I have to
say about that.