2 - Pornography Just when I thought an entire week was gonna go by without anything to get pissed off about...I should know better by now. The world has a shortage of morons like Roseanne has a shortage of stretch marks! Yes, in case you hadn't noticed by now, we're living in a world populated by clones of Corky from Life Goes On. And they let them drive cars, too, and run the government and translate video games! YEEEEESS! You just KNOW the dudes who designed Zero Wing snatched up Yang the janitor and sent him into the back room with a Japanese-English dictionary. You KNOW that's what they did! There's no other way to explain it! What people don't know about is Yang's illustrous fast food career after the Zero Wing project. "Hey, move our Whoopers for justice and set us up the fries!" I think after that Yang went on to design an aircraft for John Denver, but I'm not positive. But you see, morons are everywhere, and as much as I hate to say it, us furs have more than our fair share! Let me give you an example here. Last week I was talking with a well-known fur artist through email. I'm not gonna mention his name, but you've ALL heard of this guy, believe me, you all know him. He's talking to me, and he's upset because other artists have been harassing him and calling him a "pornographer" just because he draws erotic pictures every now and then. They even tried to hurt his art sales all in the name of "protecting the fandom". You know what? You guys can take those fingers you're pointing at my friend here and you can stick them up your ass! That's right, just cram them right up there next to that chunk of coal that's turning into a diamond! What, can't squeeze them in there? Tell you what, why don't you go on and sit on this lightning rod instead while the rest of us do a rain dance. Oh look, they set us up the dumbasses! That's right, I called you dumbasses, and do you know why? Because you're dumbasses! OK, all you artists out there who're pointing fingers and accusing and trying to do a world a favour by ridding it of evil erotic fur art, this is for you, OK? Listen carefully. Are you ready? YOU'RE DUMBASSES! AAAAAGGGHHHH! I'm sorry guys, but in this case, my vocabulary has been reduced to one very focused single word description, and that word is "dumbass". Hey, what's that? Why, it's the Gryphone ringing! Why don't you pick it up, retards? If some guy back in the late 70s hadn't popped an erection for Robin Hood, there wouldn't BE a fandom! That's where it all started, a guy with a hardon in front of a Disney movie! Now, don't even stand there and tell me that the fandom doesn't have anything to do with sex. I'll pay Ernest Borgnine to sit naked on your face and eat a gallon of cream corn if you even dare say that to me. If I hear that one more time, I'm going to start strangling cute little kittens. Just because you're too repressed to admit that you find fur sexually attractive doesn't mean you have to try and boot the rest of us back in the closet. That's right, I said it. We all know you sit around and draw private little spooge pictures when no-one's looking! I've known plenty of these guys, and they're usually even sicker than the rest of us! Some of you could even make Dumber heave! Is that what makes you a dumbass? Hell no! You're a dumbass because you can masturbate to fur with one hand and shake your finger at erotic fur artists with the other hand all at the same fucking time, and it makes me wanna go out and kill babies! It makes me crazy! What the hell is wrong with you? I wanna rip off your balls and keep 'em in a jar, alright? All your testicles are belong to me! You should have your brains replaced with tooth paste, OK? Would do wonders to your intelligence. I've got homework for you, OK? Get a dictionary and look up the word "pornography". Just do it. The dictionary says that pornography is "writings, pictures, etc. designed primarily to arouse sexual desire." "Ahoy, where does it say the part about nudity or sex?" Guess what? It DOESN'T! That's right, pornography doesn't have to have any nudity or sex in it at all! If you sit down and draw a fur, clothed or not, that someone else is gonna find sexually attractive, you've just created pornography! Congratulations! So while you're accusing others artists for drawing pornography and feeling all wholesome and clean, why don't you point that fucking finger at yourself, because by definition, you're doing the same damned thing. Just take that attitude and throw it in the closet along with your sexuality, OK, we don't need it! Oh, wait, let me guess, you're trying to protect the children, right? I've heard that one before, "we're trying to make a cleaner enviroment so the children won't have to see all the spooge". Uh, could you, like, borrow a brain for the next few moments or something? Do you have to have references for that? Here, do this, go to the upcoming Anthrocon and count the fucking children, OK? Count the fucking children, do it! How many...how many happy, innocent little children are there running around in a furcon? NONE! Children don't GO to furcons, they don't! Why? WHY don't they go to furcons? I would imagine it's because of their parents! What, you actually think that Mrs. Johnson is gonna let little Billy take a 2-day vacation from second grade to fly to Seattle for Conifur? Hey, maybe she'll even mend his little fursuit before he goes! "Be careful Billy, and don't buy any of that evil pornography!" Could you BE any more dense?! Oh, waitwaitwait, maybe you meant OUR children, right? The children of us furs, the children we might bring to a con? Our own children? We're all GAY! Where the hell are all these children gonna come from?! The fandom is gay as Paris! We make Nathan Lane look like David Lee Roth! There aren't gonna BE any children! You know, I think this is all just a big misunderstanding. Obviously you haven't taken a good look around, as there are things out there that are far more frightening than pornography, like for instance people who are so sexually repressed that they wind up going out and spraying an entire office building with high-velocity metal projectiles. That scares ME, OK? Even if you DON'T find fur art sexually arousing, are you really gonna sit there and say that you never enjoy any form of pornography? Because if you don't, then there's something wrong with you, not us! We're biological lifeforms, it's in our nature to want sex! If you can't understand that, then you need to go back to Dr. Frankenstein and ask him to give you a pair of balls, OK? Try it out, you'll be surprised! The bottom line is this: People are sexually driven, that's just a fact. Try all you want to to stop what you call pornography, OK, but it's not gonna happen, because as long as I have one hand with at least two fingers on it, I'm gonna draw all the spooge I wanna, and you're not gonna stop me. Don't think I'm the only one either, there are far more of us than there are of you! This goes for Burned Furs and anyone else out there who claims that the fandom has been stolen away by sexual perverts. The fandom HAS always and WILL always have a sexual element to it. Despite what you're trying to preach, it was that way in the beginning and it's gonna continue to be that way. And if you don't like that, then maybe YOU'RE the one who doesn't belong here! This is 2, your spooge-worshipping Ranting Gryphon, and that's all I have to say about that.