2 - Parents Hey, it's me again, although I do have a cold this week, so I hope you don't mind if I sound a little bit more squawkier than usual. It got me thinking, though, you know, every week I sit down here and I set up my little microphone and I yell about things that I see that either piss me off or just don't make any sense, you know. So, I get to bitch about things like that, and you know what? I'm happy. I bitch about stuff - happy gryphon. It doesn't take much to make the gryphon happy. Every now and then I sit down and I think, "you know, what am I doing picking at this little shit? There's some real problems out there that someone should be talking about, and.. they're not, 'cause they're afraid to." Well, this is one of those days, OK. I wanna take a few minutes to talk directly to the parents who abandon their gay children, OK? You hear me talking here? I'm talking to YOU. And I sincerely hope that your children are listening too, because this is something they should've said to you a long time ago. You know, I've seen some cruel shit in the world, Chinese dog fights and ritual baby killing and the last season of Farscape. There's a lot of problems with this planet but before the next generation can even begin to clean it up, you people are gonna have to be the first ones to be dragged out of your houses in the middle of the night and beat to death with blunt, heavy objects. Disowning your kid because he's gay? Do you have any idea what that does to someone? I mean, I mean, screw Vietnam, these kids wind up ruined for life! I have seen it, and I'll tell you right now, you people are sub-fucking-human. I'm not even talking monkeys here, I'm talking of another million years or so, you MIGHT grow legs and crawl out of the ocean looking for your first BEER, OK? Not even animals pull shit like that. "Oh Christ, he's gay, get rid of him!" Oh yeah, and whoops, look at that - this one's born without a leg, gotta get rid of him too! Oh darn, you got a redhead and you wanted brown? Send him packing! Would you do that? Would you dump your child because he wasn't exactly what you wanted? What if he was deformed or retarded, you know? What if he looked like his face caught on fire and someone put it out with a hatchet - would you dump him for that? Of course not! In fact, you'd probably defend him! But the instant you found out your kid was gay, you dumped him in the ghetto quicker than a jar of mayonnaise with a condom at the bottom. If you were standing in the front of me right now, I swear to god I'd spit right in your face. No, screw that, I'd wrap you in a fur coat and nail you to a tree in the forest during grizzly bear mating season. I'll send the video to your kids, too, so we can all sit around and laugh at it. Did you ever stop for one moment to think that your kid was ALWAYS gay? He's the same child that you raised and loved for years. He didn't BECOME gay the instant he told you. He's the same person - you just found out something new about him. Do you know how hard it is to tell your parents that you're gay? And he TRUSTED you. He took a deep breath and trusted that you'd always love him no matter what. And you fucking ruined his life for it! Yeah, that's teaching him a good lesson, is it? He should've known better than to be honest with you, right? Little gay bastard. Disown him! That'll teach him not to trust you again. You fucking make me sick. And don't you DARE drop this bullshit on me about "he chose to be gay so he can get out!" I am sick to death of hearing straight people tell gay people that they decided to be that way. Let me guess, you got this book that was written a few thousand years ago by some stoned arabs wandering the desert that says to throw rocks at gay people until they're dead? "God hates fags, so they must've decided to be that way", right? Yeah, well, the Weekly World News says the bat baby just escaped again. And that was written just last month! Why don't you go out and catch him! I hope he gnaws your face off! How can you possibly think that a gay person would wanna CHOOSE to have that kind of life? With the way you cultist fanatics treat them? I'd rather choose to be Andre the Giant's proctologist than to have to live as a gay person in a world populated with you nazi pinheads. What, do you think they just woke up one morning, chose to wear their beige wool sweater, decided on Wheaties for breakfast and "hey, why not live out the rest of their life as one of the most socially rejected, religiously hated groups in the world!", right? Is that what you think? If they wanted THAT, they could have gone to college and become a LAWYER. I'll tell you what, Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver, here's your homework: if being gay is a choice that you can blame people for making, then it must be a choice that everyone has the ability to make. So, YOU do it! That's right, I DARE you to try this. You sit down for FIVE MINUTES, just for five minutes, and YOU decide to be attracted to the same sex. Go ahead and try it! I wanna see you make even more of a dumbass out of yourself. And after you fail, why don't you grab an icepick and just stuff it in your ear. Wanna save the world from twisted, evil people, then that's the best place to start. Okay, from now on, instead of disowning your gay children, send them to me! Because I want to start an army. 2's flaming gay limp-wristed smackdown commando force. And we're gonna come to your house, redecorate it, and shoot you with neon pink paintballs until you're dead! That'll make the papers, huh? It's too late for you assholes who've already dissed your kids, but for the rest of you, if your child ever comes to you and tells you he's gay, why don't you stop for a minute and use your head. He's still the kid he always was. Do you really wanna kick him out 'cause he's gay - or because you're too weak to look in the eyes of the world and say that you still love your kid? This is 2, your gryphon voice of reason, and that's all I have to say about that.