2 - Movie Violence

You know, I've been going to the movies a lot lately, and I've noticed
something. There's no more violence anymore! Well, there sorta is, but
it's like some wimpass, cop-out version of it, right? It's like a huge,
ripped male love god with a shriveled little jelqued Pesci penis! Or
having a big, mean-looking pitbull that just shakes and farts all the
time! And last year I've seen huge gunbattles and epic swordfights,
right? Hundreds of crazy, half-naked pissed-off neanderthals screaming
and hacking each other to pieces, and there's not even one single drop
of blood! They might as well be beating on each other with greased-up
elephant dildos! I mean, you hit someone hard enough with a stale Cheezy
Poof and they'll bleed, and here we've got squads of secret agents
unloading clips of high-powered, fully automatic, screaming death
ammunition into each other, explosions, flying glass, and there's no
blood! Movie makers have been directly avoiding showing any splatter
lately. 

Well, I think that SUCKS! Doesn't it piss you off? When did Disney buy up
Hollywood, huh? How am I supposed to get off watching people's brains get
blown through their eyesockets if all a gun does in the movies anymore is
make people do a double backflip and faint? Do guns have a "bitch slap"
setting now? "Okay, set phasers on 'sucker punch'..." They might as well
hire drunk Elmos to fart on each other and Phil Nad! What the hell are
movies for, anyway? So we can leave the real world for an hour and a
half and sit in a comfortable theatre and watch people get killed! 

When else are you gonna ever be able to sit in a nice, air-conditioned
room and watch someone go psycho and give their twink boss a lead
enema? C'mon, everybody dreams of doing that! This is about fulfilling
fantasies! You don't wanna go up to your boss and slap him in the face
with raw bacon until he says "uncle", that's not a fantasy! You wanna see
him drag his slimy intestines across his office floor, choking on his
own blood as he writes you a Christmas bonus from his snot-nosed kid's
college money just before you split his head open with the huge wrath
of 500 pound drag-queen Highlander's sword! And then you wanna jump
into your 800,000 $ Dodge Viper and speed away just before the bombs
you planted blow the building to rubble, raining down burning bodies
into the street, smashing through cars and landing on little 4-year old
girls! THAT'S A FANTASY!! And you can go out to a little window, give
the girl 10 bucks and watch people do that on a 20 foot tall screen in
Technicolor! ISN'T LIFE WONDERFUL?! 

Well, it used to be wonderful, now they're taking that away from us! Are
we gonna let them do that? Now all we get is the hero raising his sword
to splatter the bad guy, and then he conks him on the head and knocks
him out and leaves him there! What the fuck is that?! And we paid for
this! That's like paying a prostitute to give you blue balls, it's not
fair! Why are they doing this to me? Well, I know why, it's because
we're trying to protect the children from all that violence. At least
that's what they say, what they really mean is that they're trying to
keep the corky children from killing themselves. It's just like when
you were in grade school, one kid would stick gum to the bottom of his
desk so the teacher wouldn't let anyone chew gum anymore. "Ooh, Billy's
jerking off with his Elmer's glue so you've lost your glue privileges
for this week!" 

Maybe that kind of backwards-ass psychology works for grade school kids,
but I'm NOT a kid anymore! And it pisses me off when the world things they
have to treat me like one and take away MY bloodbath movie scenes just
because some retard kid guts his neighbour's dog and hangs himself with
the entrails after seeing it at a movie! You call that a big tragedy,
I call it natural selection! In the wild, all the stupid animals get
killed! If a gazelle that wandered into a pride of lions didn't get
eaten, then he'd go on to have stupid gazelle babies! We'd have stupid
gazelles wandering all over the place! If a kid sees a guy shoot himself
in the head and live in the movies and goes and tries it himself, then
GOOD! Get his genes out of the breeding population! 

You ever wonder why the world is populated with raging twink shitbrains
right now? It's because we stopped letting the stupid ones kill
themselves! They're having babies! And those babies are driving cars
on the highway and cooking our Whoopers and running for political
office! Pretty soon we're all gonna be wandering around stupid and when
we stumble across those lions, we're all gonna be FUCKED! So I say, bring
back the splatter! Bring it back! Violence is as American as baseball
and apple pie! I know, I know, "but 2, I thought you were supposed to
be anti-violent!" 

I hate real violence, OK? I do anything I can to stop it. That's why
I NEED fake violence! You think it's easy to be anti-violent in a world
filled with idiots who deserve to have their heads slapped through a steel
bridge support? It's NOT! I need violent movies to keep me sane! So bring
them back! You don't think violence is entertainment? Ask the people who
made the Friday The 13th series, they're rich! And what about Nightmare
On Elm Street, huh? Wouldn't be much of a nightmare without truckloads of
gore, would it? It'd be like Crappy Day On Elm Street or something! Would
you pay to see that? Scanners! Now there's a fun movie! It didn't even
need an excuse to kill people in that one, someone just give a guy a
funny look and their head explodes! Now that's fucking entertainment! 

I think it's time to organize a protest here, folks. We can't let these
morons take away our only legal release of our primal instinct to slay
the dumbfucks of our own species. We need to show them just how much
this means to us. Hmm, how about one dead baby wrapped in barbed wire
and tossed into the gutter in front of Universal Studios for every day
they don't release a good old-fashioned, cream-your-pants death-fest
movie? I don't think it'd take them long to get their act in gear,
do you? The future of mankind lies in a few barbed-wire wrapped babies
here! Maybe they'll make a movie out of that one day! 

This is 2, your low-budget Ranting Gryphon, and that's all I have to
say about that.