2 - Guns Whohoo, more school shootings! This is getting kinda creepy, you know? I think the real problem here is that everyone's looking for "defects in the kids". "Ooh, our poor children, they're turning violent and hateful, oh, what's wrong with our children..." What's wrong with your children? Try this, what the hell is wrong with the schools?! Take a minute to think about this: The Vietcong tried to brainwash American soldiers into attacking their own people, and THEY couldn't even do it! What the hell is going on in these schools, man?! Apparently whatever is happening there is so terrible that kids would rather splatter their class across the building with an AK and spend the rest of their lives in state penitentary than to go to school for one more day, and you're asking what's wrong with your kid? What, do they show them skin flicks of Phyllis Diller in there or something? Do they turn into Nike factories when we're not looking? You'd have to feed a dog gunpowder to make'em as pissed off and mean as these kids are, and you're still dropping them off at the same building every day! Are you TRYING to get rid of your children so you can spend their college money a boob job or are you really that dumb? Maybe you ought to check these places out, you know? Tie a little camera to your kid so you can see what he has to go through every day. And that brings me to this week's rant: Guns! Ooh, touchy subject, eh? Yeah, well, fucking sue me, OK? This needs to be said. Some of you out there are running around and being all anti-gun. "oh, they're evil, no guns, take them away, make them illegal!" Yeah, and when you're getting your head beat in with an aluminum baseball bat and there's no-one around with a firearm to step up and save you, I'm going to laugh my ass off. It makes me literally nauseous to see you ree-rees putting the blame of violence on inanimate objects instead of the drooling psycho who just plugged his entire family because the voices in his head insisted that they were aliens from planet Zirpnorf! You know, they have this saying; "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." But I think the meaning of that has been lost somehow. What it means is that when some brainless punk picks up a gun and drills the guy across the street with a .357 slug, you DON'T sue Smith & Wesson! Are you crazy?! Do you have cheese mold inside your skull or something?! Congratulations! Here's a guy who decided to ventilate someone's frontal lobe just for the fun of it, and you just took the blame from him and put it on a piece of fucking metal! "oh guns they're so evil, aaah!" Grow a brain, OK?! Guns cannot think. They cannot make decisions. They don't sit there and go "hmm, should I kill this guy or crack open a beer and watch Cops?" The person did the killing, not the gun and not the people who made the gun, you total waste of skin. You know, I've got this neon pink art pencil. It's absolutely terrible, it's the most ghastly color in the world. You can see this fucking pencil from space, okay? I can't even look at it without eye protection, much less use it in a drawing. It's completely useless. Well, I'm going to take this pencil, and I'm going to hunt for one of you anti-gun freaks and when I find you, I'm going to do this nifty anime run-and-jump-through-the-air, and I'm gonna scream "NEON-A PINK-A BITCH SLAP!!!" and go "SPLACK!" and shove it into your eye socket! Then I'm gonna wiggle it around! How do you like that?! I'm going to make puree out of your retarded synapses! Pink neon pencil fuck of death! Do you get me? And the best part is, I'm not the one responsible, right? It's Prismacolor! Sue them! They're the ones who supplied me with such a terrible weapon, those evil bastards! I could drop a wrecking ball on a school playground at recess time and hey, I didn't splatter your kids, gravity did it! Timothy McWeigh didn't blow up that building, it was that pesky car bomb, right? You know, if you people had brains, you just might be dangerous! Go ahead and say it, go ahead, I've heard it before. "well, guns don't do the killing, but they make it easier for people to kill." Yeah? They make killing easier? So does a Lincoln Towncar! A metal grill can't hurt much of anything, but if you put a V8 behind it, you can make a whole family of four eat a 120 mph screaming rush- hour death without even scratching your ass twice! So let's get rid of the cars, right? You pick up a hundred objects every day that make killing easier. Are we going to get rid of all those things, too? Hey, we've got hijackers, let's rid of all the fucking airplanes! Gee, you could certanly cut someone up with the corner of that KY tube! Or even better, 3D vision makes killing a LOT easier! It's just not the same running someone through with a fireplace poker without depth perception! Let's poke an eye out of everyone at birth! When are you morons going to learn that violence is in the people, not the weapons? Take away guns and they'll stab each other, take away the knives and they'll throw Drain-O on each other! Get rid of the Drain-O and they'll gag each other with 18 inch dildos! Even if you had no weapons at all, where do you think Kung Fu came from? What were ancient Chinese people without weapons doing? Trying to figure out just the right way to bounce a rice patty off someone's head so it'd shatter their spinal column! You keep on trying to take weapons away, OK? Maybe in a couple hundred years you'll figure out that if you want to stop the violence, you're going to have to stop the hate, not guns or knives! Until people can learn to love each other, they're going to find a way to kill each other. That's just the way it is! You could remove their limbs and they'd be rolling after each other, trying to nibble each other to death! Listen to me here: you can't kill the weed by cutting off top, alright? You have to get to the root. Take all your anti-gun energy and put it into anti- violence instead, there IS a difference! Instead of preventing people from hurting each other even though they want to, why not try to help people not wanna hurt each other in the first place? Start by being a good example and showing a little maturity here! Besides, if you get my guns taken away and I have to start throwing rice patties at the shooting range, I'm going to find you and kick your ass! This is 2, your gun-toting Ranting Gryphon, and that's all I have to say about that.