2 - Funerals

OK, so let me tell you about something here that happened that pissed me off,
OK?  Just before Christmas, my grandmother died. So that's...first of all,
that's nasty, 'coz it's like "Merry Christmas, here's a dead fucking
grandmother!", you know? So, she died and she...she just died, 'coz she was,
like, a million years old, you know? She was, like, older than Moses, so she
just died and now...now I'm thinking "oh fuck, now I gotta go to one of
these medieval burying-the-body rituals", you know?

It's 2002 now, we've got space stations and global communications and hybrid
electric vehicles, but we've gotta stop in middle of everything and do these
stupid Lord Of The Flies rituals over a rotting corpse, you know? It's like
1 degree outside, and I've gotta go and just...so I can stand there and
watch them dump this dead old bitch in a hole in the ground, you know? So
I'm already...I'm not thrilled about this, you know? Can't they keep her in
a freezer or something, you know, park her next to Walt Disney for a while,
you know, until it gets warmer? Nononono, they gotta do this in middle of
the fucking winter.

So, I'm standing there, and I'm freezing my ass off, and...they just can't
get this the fuck over with, you know? They're gonna take as long as humanly
possible to do this, they can't just yell "Dead bitch ho!", and you know,
and dump her in a hole, you know? They've gotta get some religious moron up
there and stand there and talk and praise God until my asscheeks are frozen
together, you know? He's gonna stand there and babble on until Michael
Jackson's nose's has had its half-life!

And so, I'm...I'm listening to this guy, because...you know, I don't have
anything else to do, right? Then...then he's going on about this "generous
soul we've lost today and she was a loving person and an inspiration to all
who knew her, filled with life and vitality and her place is secured in
Paradise forever because she was such a wonderful fucking lady and..."...and.
..and...I'm starting to wonder now, who the FUCK are they burying here, you
know? Am I at the right funeral? Because my grandmother was a fucking Nazi!
She was like that misery-chick with supercharged PMS! My grandmother
wouldn't piss on a burning orphan unless someone paid her, and even then
she'd wait until the fucking check cleared! She was one of the coldest,
meanest people I've ever known, and if there was a hell, she'd be burning in
it right now! Because Satan must've just had a bonar for this woman, he'd
probably sit around and jerk off thinking about her! She was THAT evil!

But now, suddenly she's a loving and caring and generous person, when the
FUCK did this happen?! Is this really how...how it works here? It doesn't
matter how much of a prick you were when you were alive, when you're laying
in a casket drawing flies, then you were just fucking Mother Theresa, you
know?! You just...you could skin live babies, you know, rape diabetics with
Christmas candy canes, and after you die, you were a generous, loving,
glowing-with-heavenly-goodness motherfucker, you know?! Have you noticed
that? No-one is a bastard after they die, NO-ONE! Have you ever been to a
funeral where they went "Joe was a salty old bastard, didn't give a shit
about anyone but himself and thank God he's dead, because no-one liked him
at all! Hope you're sucking Satan's dick in hell right now!"? No, you're not
gonna hear that! You're only gonna hear good things, and that defeats the
entire fucking purpose of a funeral!

It's a stupid ritual in the first place, the only thing that makes sense
about it is people coming together to remember the person who died. And then
they don't even fucking tell the truth about'em! What's the point of
remembering a dead person if you're just going to make up a bunch of
bullshit about'em?! They...they'd better not do that to me, I'll fucking
hurt somebody...If...If you go to my funeral and you see a stuffy child-
raping preacher standing over my dead body talking about "he was a kind and
loving soul", just go up there and stab him or something, okay? Like...like,
stab him in the ass, and put somebody up there who actually knows me, you
know? "2 was a loudmouth faggoty bastard, he's dead now, fuck'em, the world
is a quieter place." I mean, when you die...at your funeral, isn't that the
time it's the most truthful about a person? I mean, funeral is...it's the
big farewell, you know? It's, like, the last time to say goodbye to someone,
and we're going to LIE about'em? Well, not me, pal! I wanna be remembered
for who I was!

And what's this shit on the epitaphs, they're even MORE full of shit! You
walk through the graveyard, and the tombstones all have these...these sappy
phrases on them, and it doesn't matter who's buried there, you know?
Could've been a complete asshole, and..."Here lies Adolf Hitler, like a lamb
in the arms of God." You know...you know, what's this shit?! They even have
to lie on the tombstones, you know?! Why can't we have, like "Here lies
Betty. She sucked like a convinct at a crack of the gas chamber door." Screw
this in-the-arms-of-God, flights-of-angels bullshit, OK? When I die, I want
it to say "Here lies 2. Hell stinks more now.".

It's...it's just...F....funerals have got to change! It's bad enough we have
to stand over a stinking cadaver saying prayers, but to lie about the person
we're burying? You know...Okay, that sucks, it's...Dying is generally a
sucky thing. It doesn't matter what you believe, what your religion is, you
know, it's all...all of it is bad. You...you're gonna die and go to hell and
have burning coal shoveled in your ass, or you're gonna die and come back as
one of Rosie O'Donnel's hemorrhoids, or...or you might just go nowhere! You
might just disappear into nowhere, kinda like Bill Clinton's career, and
just sit there and not be there, you know? But whatever you believe, it's
just...death is a big, fresh hairy turd, you know? Kinda like Bill Clinton's
career! So, I can...I can understand why people would want to have funerals,
you know? If...if somebody dies, it sucks for everyone and we call can come
together and relate to each other's suckage, at least, and come together for
an hour or 2 without trying to dump anthrax on each other and just remember
the person who's dead here! So let's remember who they were, and not someone
they weren't!

This is 2, the decaying Ranting Gryphon, and that's all I have to say about
that.