2 - English OK, so I'm out shopping, OK... and I like to go out and sometimes just shop for stuff, you know... shopping is fun, I'm a faggot, shopping rocks, right? So, I'm, um, grocery shopping this time, and I'm at a grocery store and I'm grocery shopping and I'm standing there and trying to decide between the red or the green tabasco sauce, you know? Huge purchasing decision there, the color of tabasco sauce... and then suddenly, this foreign guy pushing this cart with, like, 12 million children hanging off of it comes right up to me and he says "Alalawola lawolala owaleula gak nora", and so... and so, I... I'm thinking, "What the fuck, what, this guy got the epilepsy of the tongue?", you know, what, he's choking on a helium balloon or something? So... so, I'm trying to to be nice about this, I'm gonna be nice, sure, I'm in a good mood because shopping makes faggots happy, so I'm happy here, and... and I look at the guy and say "I need English! English, understand?" You know, I... I'm trying to keep it simple, and he goes "Alalawola awawawoawa wolaa wolaa!" and he's getting pissed off, AT ME, he's getting pissed off because I don't understand what he's saying! And... and here, 30 seconds ago I was happy, I was a happy shopping faggot, and now I'm thinking if this guy opens his mouth again to say anything other than "Me speaky English!", I... I'm gonna start stuffing his litter and his unwashed children down his throat, you know? This guy sounds like he's trying to slap his brain with his tongue or something! No, no, I don't have anything, anything against foreign people in general, but what's up with these shitballs that absolutely refuse to learn English, you know? They come all the way over to live in America, and they don't have the goddamned common courtesy to speak the native fucking language! And the people here, our society, our... our government puts up with it, even encourages it! "Come to America, we'll give you a house, we'll give you a car, we'll give you free money, we'll fire an American and give you his job! Don't know the language? No problem! We'll spend billions of tax dollars to teach everyone else your language!" Well, you know what? I think, "Fuck'em!" I guess this dipshit thought I was supposed to drop what I was doing and whip out a little translation book and start babbling back at him or something, you know? "Me sucky sucky, love you long time, chip chip!" You know, it's sounding like a damn Pikachu being electrocuted or something! Well, don't confuse me with the government, OK, because I think you can all fuck off! I'm entirely sick of seeing everyone care to these pricks, they're just lazy! That's all they are, they're too fucking lazy to learn how to communicate! You think if I moved to the Republic Of Grenaltwan or wherever the fuck is it you're from, they'd bend over backwards to try and understand me if I was too lazy to learn THEIR language? You think if I started going around Afghanistan speaking English to everyone, they'd start printing their signs in English? You think I can sue their government for not reading my random rights in English? Fuck no I couldn't! They'd probably just say "someone shoot that babbling motherfucker in the head and shut him up." And that's probably exactly what they'd do, too! So as far as I'm concerned, you can wander around babbling like a fucking idiot, alright? Tough shit for you! Maybe they'll just eventually think you're retarded and toss you into a mental ward or something! Then the only one who'll talk to you is Bruno, the hairy orderly, screaming your name while he's banging you up the ass in a padded cell! But... but, no, no, no, that won't happen, because this... this is a melting pot, yeah, that's what they call it, a melting pot. And we're all supposed to melt here, we... that's what we're doing, we're just... we're all turning into a pool of melted cultural goo, right? OK, sure, I can get along with that. We got together, and we melted, and now, we speak fucking ENGLISH! I mean, is... is that so much to ask, to learn how to talk?! You can have, w-what, a wife and children, a mortgage, a driver's license and your own fucking convinience store, but it's just stepping over the line to ask you to learn to fucking talk, right? Well, apparently it is, because the American people just don't seem to have the balls to ask the people to at least speak the language here! We'd rather spend our time and money printing out billboards in YOUR language and training our sales clerks to speak YOUR language, and... what the fuck is that, anyway? Some jobs you can't even get unless you're bilingual? I can't get a job at some places in MY own country because I can't speak YOUR language? Is this a fucking joke? The only two words an American busboy should have to learn in any other language for his job is "Fuck off". Teach them how to say "fuck off" in 12 different languages and then let them do their daily jobs. This has gotta stop, people. It's nice to make the foreigners feel welcome when they come here, but this has gone way the fuck too far! We're using up entire forests of trees to print instructions for, like, a... vibrator in English, Spanish, French, Portuguese, German, Navajo, Czechoslovakian and Mandarin fucking Chinese! I mean, come on! Do you really need written instructions on how to use a fake vibrating dick? If you're THAT stupid, then you're not gonna be able to hold a job long enough to afford one anyway! And how are you gonna get to Dildo-Mart in the first place? I better not see you driving there! If you need an instruction manual for a rubber dick, then I certanly fucking hope you don't own a car! And now...and...and now, we've got these fucknuts suing our government for failing to print tax forms in their language, and for not having TV channels in their language! You know, a baseball bat is a pretty universal thing, folks. If I run into any more of these fuckers, the last words they're gonna see in any language is WILSON! "Alala wa ala ala..." WIL-SON BAM! You know, I like other languages, I really do, I think they're really cool! I even know a little bit of couple of them. I'm not saying these guys should completely forget their native languages and never speak them again, hell no! Some of the languages sound really beautiful! Have you ever heard Spanish poetry? DAMN! You don't even need to know what it's saying, it's like a magic spell for a boner right there, you know, it's beautiful! But for Christ's sake, when a foreigner moves to an English-speaking country, it's NOT too much to ask that they learn to speak ENGLISH! And I'm not expecting them to be the next Winston fucking Churchill in two weeks either, but I guarantee, if we all stopped busting our asses trying to speak their languages, it wouldn't take them very long to get off their asses and learn ours! This is 2, your English-speaking Ranting Gryphon, and that's all I've gotta say about that.