2 - Commercials

So I woke up the other day, IN THE FUCKING MORNING! I hate mornings, there's
nothing about mornings that doesn't make my dick limp. There's fucking birds
singing, fucking people going to work, and a big bright fucking ball of
plasma in the sky, and they're all saying, "Welcome to another miserable day,
FUCK YOU!"

So I turn on the TV, like this is gonna make things better, you know; my
dick is limp, the sun is shining in my eyes, I feel like an leper's ass
smells and... so, yeah, a good daily dose of broadcast morning television is
going to pick me right the fuck up. So I turn it on, and it's Good Morning
America. "Good morning America, and we'll have more on that later, and back
to you, Dianne! And here's some dumb fuck with the weather in your
neighborhood!" And it's Formula news, it's more Formula fucking news, and
so it probably isn't even fucking real.

So I'm watching this bullshit, and now here's Charlie, and... I don't
remember his last name, Charlie Fucktard, whatever. And he's interviewing
these three punk-looking motherfuckers, and they're going "yeah, we're suing
several large movie theater companies because we don't think they should
play commercials in front of the movie. We paid for the ticket, and we're
not there to buy any damn commercials."

And I was like, fuck yeah! Oh fuck yeah! These are my fucking people right
here! These are the people I wanna drag to a secret hidden city near the
core of the Earth and repopulate my species with! On national TV, pissed off
because they're tired of being fed mass brainwashing propaganda bullshit
from giant corporations! Holy screaming mother of fuck yes! And my dick was
getting hard now! I was getting a boner over this shit! Fuck you singing
birds, and you motherfuckers honking your horns, and that giant bright ball
of bright shit in the sky, you see this?! I've got a hard-on! You bastards
aren't keeping my dick down! And I'm going to slap this bitch until I blow a
giant wad of cum in my fucking eye! I'm going to slap it until I blow
a wad into Ted Turner's fucking eye! I'm going to be one happy dick-slapping
fuck this morning, because there are other pissed off people in the world!

But then Charlie Fucktard here, he fucking smirks at 'em like he's some kind
of a real television personality or something, and he says "Well, don't
you think it's little whiny to be suing over this, it's just three minutes
of your lives?" And I was like, what?! Are you... are you fucking kidding
me?! When did your brain fucking die?! You've got too much fiber in the shit
canals of your mind, buddy! "It's just three minutes, it's... it's just
fucking, three fucking minutes of your fucking lives, it's just..."

Let me tell you something, Charlie Whoeverthefuckyouare, when I get sick of
watching commercials on your show, I'm gonna turn off the TV, and I'm gonna
get a phonecall and it's going to be a fucking commercial, and then I'm
going to get in my car, turn on the radio, and there's going to be fucking
commercials. Then I'm gonna drive down the street, and there's gonna be
billboards with fucking commercials. I'm gonna walk into the theatre lobby,
filled with fucking commercials, and I'm gonna go sit down waiting for the
movie, watching slides of fucking commercials! And then when the movie comes
on, there's going to be MORE FUCKING COMMERCIALS!

So you know what, Charlie from Good Morning America? Fuck you, okay?! Fuck
your mother! Because it's not JUST three minutes of my life, it's ANOTHER
FUCKING THREE MINUTES OF MY LIFE! ANOTHER three minutes added to the other
20 hours per day I have spend with some corporation's dick up my ass!
Another three minutes of my fucking life I could've been jerking off, or
saving the whale, or driving to your house in the suburbs and feeding you
your fucking teeth! So shut the fuck up! "Three minutes of my fucking life".
All our lives are commercials, WE'RE fucking commercials!

We're commercials for Subaru, driving down the fucking street, we're
commercials for the Gap, walking in the park, we're commercials for who does
our fucking hair, commercials for the zit cream we use, commercials for
Viagra when we're raping barefooted, redheaded stepchildren! We're all giant,
walking billboards for Intel, Maybelline, AOL Time-Warner and fucking Wal-
Mart! We're all commercials! This whole planet is one GIANT FUCKING
COMMERCIAL! The only time we're NOT being fucked up the ass with
advertisements is when we're asleep! And what's going to happen when they
figure out a way to make us DREAM commercials, huh? What then? Because it
WILL happen, mark my fucking words! One day, some washed-up fucknugget like
Chuck Norris will be selling us Thighmasters in our fucking sleep!

And you know, I... I'm going to be breaking some shit when that happens!
I'm dreaming of a good gryphon ass-stuffing and Trojan Man steps out from
behind a tree, and I'm going to wake up, and start throwing grenades at
random motherfuckers! So you can take your three minutes, Charlie, and you
can stuff them up your overpaid, wide ass! Because I'm sick of it, and I'm
not the only one either!

Fuck your "Dude, you're getting a Dell", and your "eyes-soaked-in-Palmolive"
and your "Pepsi, the choice of a new generation"! Because I'M the choice of
a new generation, okay?! ME! I am your fucking enemy! Because I'm not
telling people to drink my fucking beer, or wear my fucking clothes, or
smear my hemorrhoid cream up their asses! I'm telling people to think for
themselves! I'm telling people they don't have to spread their legs and have
your products rammed up their asses! I'm telling people to take that money,
and buy drugs, strap-ons and napalm so we can burn it all down and then have
drugged-up, godless anal sex in the ashen glow of your fallen fucking empire!

And we'll do it, too! I'm going to be the one to take you down! Me and other
pissed off people like me are going to be the ones to finally spit in your
eye and kick you in a fucking hole and forget about you! So you better
assassinate me, OK?! You better put a gun to my head and pull the fucking
trigger, because I'd rather die than live on a planet where my very fucking
life is invented by money-grubbing industry gods and handed down to me three
minutes at a fucking time! This is 2, The Ranting Gryphon! And... obey your
thirst, drink a big bucket of shit!