2 - Apathy You know, sometimes there are things I just don't care about. Some things happen and I just rather play with my dick. Does that mean I'm a thoughtless asshole? No, it just means there are some things I'm not interested in. ...and I like playing with my dick. "Oh look, they had an earthquake in middle of Fuck-Egypt - wow, that sucks, I think I'll play with my dick." You know, hey, you can't take an personal interest in everything, right? My dick just happens to have a high priority. There's some people out there who don't think I should be playing with my dick. There's some people out there who think every time someone farts a gas, it's harmful to the rare South-American purple-dicked fuckmonkey, I need to pick up a sign and start marching down the street. Some people getting on my ass with this whole "if you're not part of the solution, then you's part of the problem" bullshit. So, they're in my mailbox, and on my streets, and they're on my TV, and it's starting to piss me off. What kind of bullshit philosophy is that anyway? I mean, "if you're not part of the solution, then blah blah blah". So, since I'm not parking my ass in front of a bulldozer in a rainforest, I'm helping to cut the trees down, is that it? I'm not pushing any whales back in the fucking water, so I help the damn thing commit suicide. Is that what you're saying? Well, I have a problem too. I'm not blowing a wad of cum right at the moment, so since you're not sucking my dick, I guess it's YOUR FAULT! You're certainly not part of the solution, are you fuckwit?! So START SUCKING! Where were you when I was constipated, huh? You could've helped dig the shit out of MY ASS. But no, it's all your fault I couldn't take a dump that day, isn't it? It's fucking BULLSHIT. If I'm not interested in the ERA, then I'm a sexist. If I'm not interested in black history month, then I'm a fucking RACIST! Why in the FUCK would I be interested in black history? I'm not interested in WHITE history! I don't even bust my ass to try and remember what I was doing last week! And now I'm a racist, because I don't give less than a shit about black history. I'm being accused of every injustice in the world, because I'm not setting my paychecks to care, and Amnesty International, and fucking Greenpeace, and that shit doesn't make any SENSE. And I'm sick of hearing it! Everywhere I fucking turn, even on my TV. I go and turn the thing on, and what's the first thing it tells me? What's the first fucking thing it tells me? It tells me I'm killing people. Yeah. My TV is telling me that the whole world is falling apart, and I'm the one who's doing it. It's MY FAULT because I'm sitting on my ass. People are dying because I'm sitting on my ass. The world is fucked like an eight-year old in a Mayberry family reunion, and it's MY FAULT. "Look at these pictures of all the children you're killing and the world is going to hell in a handbasket and it's your fault, you dirty bastard motherfucker." Hey you, why can't I sit on my ass, and GOOD things happen? I can't just sit there and cumstains magically disappear out of the Pope's robes! Lepers don't fall BACK TOGETHER 'cause I'm just sitting there! There's nobody out there having an orgasm screaming "Oh my god, 2 is sitting on his ass"! No, children are starving, black people aren't getting a proper education and horses are being turned into fucking GLUE! That's what happens when I sit on my ass. And now I'm apparently killing people by just not caring! Yeah, it kills people when I don't give a shit. Apathy is lethal. Have you heard this shit, it's like some kind of bullshit P.S.A. that shows children, wandering around the streets and pissing on each other, and eating dirt, and DYING, and "apathy is lethal dot com dot ORG dot... BITCH". So now if my TV tells me I'm killing some motherfuckers by sitting on my ass, and I don't give a shit, then I'm killing even MORE motherfuckers! Let me tell you something. If it killed people when I didn't give a shit, then there'd be none of you fuckers left, fetuses would be dropping out of people on the sidewalk, Bozo the clown would melt into a pile of goofy Technicolor SHIT right in front of an audience of dead motherfuckers. Barry Manilow's ASS would fall off. Endangered animals would be fucking EXPLODING left and right. More children would die than Woody Allen has FUCKED. There would be NO GODS, NO MORONS and there would definitely be no FUCKING MTV. If everything I didn't give shit about died, then the only thing left would be ME and my DICK. And maybe some PIZZA. Telling people they're wrecking the fucking planet isn't gonna make them care. It's just gonna piss them off. If the only way you can motivate people to care about your causes is to accuse them of being a part of the problem, then you'd better get some new fucking methods. You can't give a shit about everything all the time at once! It's impossible to give a big proactive boner over every filthy little brat somewhere in Indonesia, making a fucking shoe! You can't do it! And still, WHY is every day, every year - every day of every fucking year moralized into some kind of awareness period? National health month, earth day, anti-smoking week, fucking boycott McDonald's day... Can't we go through a normal span of time that's not dedicated to some stupid fucking cause anymore? What happened to normal time?! Well, I've got one of my own, OK? I just came up with this. So see how you like this one. I'm declaring this week to be national "Don't give a shit" week. Thats right, I want one week, just one fucking week, where I don't have to listen to pompous activists and charity organizations trying to FORCE ME to give a shit about every little FUCKBRAIN'S problem on the planet. And if that bothers you then forgive me but I DON'T GIVE A SHIT! Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go play with my DICK! This is 2, your apathetic Ranting Gryphon, and that's all I have to say about that shit.