So I'm sitting here, and I'm trying to figure out what's so goddamned special about anime. You know, I'm STILL trying to figure that out. It's just...There's gotta be a free dose of heroin in every DVD or something, because, you know, I can't walk out of the fucking door without something talking about Inuyasha and...holy fuck, Trigun is just the bee's knees! I'm taking a dump, I'm sitting on the toilet, wiping my ass with Bible pages, because that's what I use when I run out of toilet paper, and someone's gonna be standing there, talking about how big of a boner they get over Tech Police and Neon Jello Evangelist or whatever the fuck! So I'm thinking, "Wow gee, jehosaphat! This anime stuff's gotta be some nifty shit!" There better be some sliced bread that can't find work over this shit! The last time people had this much fun, they just discovered they could get drunk and beat their kids! You know, this shit better be able to cure AIDS and kill nuns, it's that fucking great! Old people had better be turning off the"I Dream Of Gene" reunion to watch this shit, it's that fucking great! So I sit down to watch anime, and it's not that hard, because it's on every fucking channel. Six hundred and fifty trillion channels, and they're all playing anime 24 hours a day! So I pick a channel and sit down to watch it. And it's...it's not like I haven't seen anime before, you know, but every time I happen to mention that I don't personally like it, someone's head will pop up from under the nearest rock and say "But have you seen it lately? It's not like Sailor Moon anymore!", because apparently the last 5 years has done to anime what silicone did to Elissa Milano, you know! So I'm sitting in my chair, I turn on the anime, and I got my dick in my hand, ready to jerk it to happy oblivion, because apparently it's that fucking important and...Hey, check this out, it's the same 3-frame-per-second, 6 color crap it always was! You could watch this show on Shockwave on a 486, and there wouldn't be any difference! And it's because we incinerated all of Japanese artists at the end of World War II, I know, they can't make an hour-long cartoon with more than a hundred frames in it, because they've got only 3 motherfuckers left who can draw! And...I can't jerk off to this, my dick would never respect me again! But suddenly, everyone's flooding into my room, and they're like "Oh, you're watching Hazhikonimozhikanomikonasakimo! This is the best show in the fucking existance!", and now they're jerking THEIR dicks off! And all I can think is, "They don't deserve their dicks!" I don't get what the fuck is making everyone go so batshit over anime! And then it occurs to me: it's fucking El Nino! Yeah, that's what it is. Some guy gets caught raping a dead squirrel, someone's gonna blame El Nino for it! This is all El Nino's fault, because that's where the aliens live with their damn mind rays that are making everyone fucking retarded! Fuck South America! So I fire a bunch of nukes in South America, so everyone's heads will be suddenly be extracted from their asses again! And I do it anime-style too! I'll narrate it as I'm doing it, so, so I'm like "Ooh, did you know that I would send the most powerful force in the universe to destroy you today, but now you know, because I'm the great warrior Two whose spirit was imprisoned by the god of penile dysfunction over a thousand years ago and I awaited to be awakened on this very day by Mexico by the sound of the very last human putting its head up its ass, ooh!" because that's a wonderful story, you know, that's what makes anime so wonderful, it's the story! This story, that's what makes anime so wonderful, the story, that's what it is! Only...they're not stories! "Woo, telling a thousand years of history in 30 seconds in the middle of the movie, hoo!" When you do that, that's not a story, that's a fucking seizure, okay? You do that in a mental hospital, and they'll give you a fucking lobotomy! So I launch the nukes into South America, and they're like "Two, you bastard!" And I'm like "Yeah, fuck you, it had to be done." Which...but...shit, no, I can't do that, because it's gotta be subtitled! I forgot, it's gotta be fucking subtitled! Because it's not REAL anime unless it's subtitled "so we can hear the inflections in the voices!"Yeah, forgot about that! Gotta hear the inflections in the voices, speaking a language we don't even fucking understand, yeah! We can't live without that, can we? So I do it subtitled now, right? And they can't understand a fucking thing I'm saying, but they can hear the inflection in my voice, and that makes all the fuck of a difference! And...except maybe for one dude who goes "hey, if you wanna read, you should pick up a book!" But it's OK, because he got the first nuke right on his left nut, that heathen roundeyed fuck! He probably used the word "japanimation" anyways, which...ooh, fuck, you can't do that! You've got to stop speaking whatever language you're speaking and pronounce it in perfect Japanese! "It's a-ni-me! Say "anime", damnit! Animeeeee!" Don't have to call German animation "Seigendrich film", don't have to call Russian animation "nahzeneekazia", African animation isn't "ummbingochingoee", but you gotta say " anime" or they'll get pissed off and their mantits start lactating! So, so, the nukes melt the aliens in El Nino, they scream "oh, what a world, what a world", right, right? And so, now...now our brains can think again! Everything is cool, right? We're cool? I consider the matter closed. Now can we PLEASE find something else to talk about? This is 2, your animated Ranting Gryphon, and that's all I have to say about that.