2 - Aging I was talking with a friend of mine about something the other day, and it got me thinking, you know? There are a LOT of psycho-ass sadistic people running around out there! Some of them carry guns, others carry spiked dildos! They're out there catching dolphins in tuna nets and poisoning monkeys and writing Vanity Fair articles! Some of them have no conscience at all! They feed their dogs baloney with the little strips, you know, still on the edges, just so they can have a laugh a couple days later, you know, that kind of thing? But nothing, NOTHING is as cruel as nature! For a moment, picture a lost fifth teletubby, OK? And he's on Quaaludes! And he's sitting in that grassy valley making daisy chains and watching those little bunnies, OK? That's Hitler! Jeffrey Dahmer is that talking flower, and Charles Manson is that creepy LSD sun baby! They're NOTHING! Stand out next to nature, and they should be counting Big Bird's hemorrhoids with Oscar The Grouch! They're creampuffs! Nature is the master of all sadistic cruelty! What kind of creator would say, "Hmm, I'll create an intelligent, sentinent species of beings and them kill them over, like, uh, 60 or 70 years"? Well, that's like microwaving an hamster on "low", isn't it? Or like stabbing someone to death with a rolled up newspaper, it's sick! Mankind couldn't invent such a practical joke! OK, I'll admit it, I'm almost 30 years old now and I'm really starting to feel. It's getting a little harder to get up in the morning, you know, 30 years'll do that to you. And it wouldn't BE so bad, but nature's in this for a good laugh, remember? We're not gonna get away getting old gracefully, not while she's in charge! Life is an universal DMV, it doesn't get any better! And all those teenagers who make fun of us for being old? They're just a part of nature's plan! The first of her evil minions to christen us down the path to Geritol and Depends! You younger people, you think you're just being cool and poking a bit of fun, but to older people, you're Oompa Loompas on crack! You're evil! And I bet you think I'm gonna sit here and tell you it's wrong and you shouldn't make fun of older people, right? No, you're wrong. In fact, keep doing it! Have your fun for as long as you can, you know why? Because you're NEXT! That's right! You get 21, 22 years old, my advice to you? DON'T BLINK! You don't know it now, but one morning, you're gonna wake up and it's gonna be 10 years later! It'll happen like that, overnight! You'll turn on the TV at 3 in the morning and they'll be selling every song you know on a collection in an infomercial! And suddenly, it won't be any damn fun anymore! Then you're gonna say to your body "Hey, let's go out and party!" and your body's gonna say "umm...uh...no, we're not gonna do that." Then you're gonna say "Well, what am I supposed to do then?!" and it's gonna say "umm... just, uh, sit there and think about stuff." I'm not kidding you here! You think I'm joking, but it's true, it WILL happen!.. I guess I sound a little bitter, don't I? Well, if I do, it's only because you're fucking-a right I'm bitter! I've been a good gryphon, I've never stolen, always respected life, tried to help people and saved kittens from trees. And what's my reward? What do I get in return for all this? One night while I'm sleeping, nature is going to send Flaccidus, the archangel of all floppy things, to come and make sure I never have sex again! Then she's gonna send out the brain goblins to crawl in my ear and take a little pinch of brain every night so I'll have to walk around saying stupid things like "Uh, honey, do I usually wear underwear?" Then after that comes osteoporosis to turn my skeleton into candy corn! I'll wake up with a broken hip just for snoring too loud! Is there a requirement or something to have a broken hip by the age of 65? I mean, will you'd just be sitting there on your 65th birthday and it'd just... break? Is it a law or something? If you turn 66 without a broken hip, will the police come and whack your leg with a shovel or something? OK, OK, the "I'm fallen and I can't get up", that thing, that was kinda funny, but if you've heard some of the old people jokes out there, they're terrible! Here, here's one, have you heard this one? "What's blue and fucks old ladies? Hypothermia!" Ahhaa! Yeah, sure you laugh now, but the sad thing is that it's true! One of these days, you'll be walking around in the cold, and old man Hypothermia is going stroll up, bend you over your walker, screw you crosseyed, and you're gonna fucking die! Then you'll have to go to the afterlife, and they'll say "What happened to you?", and you'll have to look them in the eye and say you got screwed by hypothermia. "Oh, tough break, I got a blowjob from Mistress Cholesterol myself." It's not funny, it's true! And sometimes people try to help by saying that "it's OK to grow older, it's all part of life." Hey, eat me! If you're telling me that, then you're still obviously still getting your reliable hardon! "All a part of life"?! You get bladder infections, skin cancer, your teeth fall out, your joints ache, you get weak and tired, your HAIR falls out! That's not a part of life, that's a part of radiation poisoning! If people lived too long, they'd start growing extra arms out of their foreheads! We'd be wandering the streets like half-crazed Chernobyl people and Return of the Living Dead! Only we wouldn't be after brains, we'd be after Viagra and Rogaine! And it all starts with you younger people! Remember, this is going to happen to all of you eventually, so why not rebel against nature's plan? If you guys never made fun of older people, then maybe we'd all be immortal! This is 2, your aging, QUICKLY aging Ranting Gryphon, and that's all I have to say about that.