2 - AC 2002

Yay for AC -- ha! You know, let me tell you something, OK? All you dudes
who didn't go to AC, just go eat some fish hooks and kill yourselves,
okay?  Because you missed it.

AC was... I'm just going to sit here and slap my dick and think of AC,
okay? Because that's how good it was.  It was like having sex with ABC
on Saturday mornings, only there was booze too. The room parties at AC
were bigger than the Kennedy family... well, before they all fuckin'
died. It was one huge mass of squealing furry goodness all weekend and
it rocked. It was so cool I almost didn't have anything to complain
about. You notice I say almost, because if I didn't have anything to
bitch about, then that would mean there were no morons there and "1600
people and not one moron? Good good god!  That's impossible!" Yeah. You're
fucking-a-right it's impossible, Because 9 out of 10 sentient life forms
just don't  pay their brain bill or something, you know? It's just the
law of probability here. When 90% of every living thing that's ejected
from a woman's vagina is bankrupt of more than 12 functioning brain
cells, you put 1600 people in one hotel, you're going to have at least
a handful of people who couldn't win a checkers game against a rubber
dick with a wig on.

So, "What the fuck are you bitching about now, 2? What the fuck is wrong
with you?" Okay, I was there. When you're in the middle of a big fur
con, you get this zen shit going and you're just there, and you walk
around. And it's your mission to walk around and find spooge and that's
all there is in the universe, you know? So I'm walking around and I'm
doing my spooge mantra, and suddenly I hear this rumor that's floating
around. And it was a rumor. And was it true? I don't... who the fuck knows
if it was true; it was a rumor. For all I know it was started by some guy
who works for Vanity Fair, all right? It was a rumor, there was nothing
in it about me getting blowjobs or free booze, so I didn't give a fuck,
you know? All I know is that suddenly people are telling me this rumor
that the Denny's across the street from the hotel was refusing to serve
anyone from the convention, and...  just because they don't like furs
or something.

Now I'm sure this is a huge surprise to everyone, right? It's not like we
didn't already know that Denny's was Racist Central already, you know? A
black guy goes into Denny's and they'd just as soon crucify him to the
big "Y" in the Denny's sign as serve him the fucking soup of the day, you
know? And I guess they just went anti-fur on us too, and now I can't eat
there. Yeah, big fucking surprise. So now my heart is, you know, it's all
fucking broken now, because I can't go eat at a shithold restaurant where
I'd be afraid to eat any... where I'd be afraid to wipe my ass on their
salad bar, you know? They don't... if they had Anthrocon in a crater on
the moon and the only thing around was this Denny's, then that would kind
of blow, you know? But we're in the middle of Philadelphia here. There's
better food in the dumpsters behind the hotel than the shit they have at
Denny's. So fucking boo hoo, you know. Now I can't sit next to Kermit
the frog and the fucking Jeffersons, and eat eggs and pancakes with as
much flavor as a Spike Lee movie.  Yeah, excuse me while I go lament in
my brain-shattering fucking depression over this here, because I can't
go eat at Denny's and go get some deadly strain of Hepatitis now.

And I just thought they told me this so I could laugh at it, you know,
because to me, that's some funny shit. That's like if they turned John
Denver's dead corpse into an animatronic at Chuck E. Cheese. You know,
have him up there singing Country Roads, you know? You just have to laugh
at that. But then, suddenly everyone is going to Denny's. I turn around
and they're all making a point to go to Denny's. And i'm like "Why? Why
the fuck are you going to Denny's?"  and they're all like "Well, we're
going to go and demand to be served because they can't do that and it's
illegal and...and we're going to show them blah blah blah blah." What the
hell is wrong with you? It's fucking Denny's! It's not like this is some
five-star Le Ma Perre, or some shit, it's Denny's! Denny..  Denny's ih
beh... if Denny's was a religion it would be Mormon, for fuck's sake. It's
like if some guy whipped out this nasty crusty little dick and "Hello,
this is my shriveled little noodle dick and I shall not put it up your
ass" and now suddenly everyone is falling over each other to go and
demand to sit on this little noodle dork. It's fucking Denny's!

I know furs get called freaks a lot, and yes, it sucks when that happens
-- no one likes to get called a freak. But if someone calls you a freak
because they don't share your interest, then just go ahead and let
them be retarded, OK? Because when a restaurant refuses to serve you
because they think you're a freak and you go in and demand that they
take your money in exchange for some shit-ass nasty food you wouldn't
have wanted anyway, just to prove a point, then what you're really
saying is that you actually believe that you're that freak they're
accusing you of being. We're better than that folks, okay? Have a bit
of self-respect. Because we're not freaks, and if you're eating shitty
food to prove it, then you're only trying to prove it to yourself.

So next time, I want to see some proud furs. I want to see them march
into Denny's and say "If you pull out all your teeth, bury your face in
my crotch, and suck me a rapture, then I might let you serve me a cup
of your nasty piss-water coffee. Otherwise, I'm going someplace that
will serve me food that doesn't taste like your mother's diseased asshole.

This is 2, your proud Ranting Gryphon, and that's all I have to say
about that.